How is it that some days I can feel so twinkly and some days I feel so not?

Gratitude is how.

Gratitude wasn’t instilled people like me who were raised by rules. While there’s the decorum and etiquette created and taught to keep everyone organized and appearing grateful, it wasn’t gratitude. Those were rules of society. Gratitude, in it’s true form, emits from nature and flows through the cells. More than a simple value, it is a law that comes from the lands we live upon, the lands we were born upon and the lands we are from (that sure is a lot of lands). By it’s very nature, Gratitude is always present and, like Abundance, will be available to anyone open to it.

There are two points in my life when Gratitude flowed strongly through me. The first was at a point when my life when I was free-spirited and resilient. An energy emitting through me; a euphoric breathlessness and permanent state of happy. It shimmered everywhere; from the mountains, to the earth, water, sky, stars, children and families I worked with and the experiences I was living… When in Gratitude, I was filled and people were drawn to my good vibes. I was in awe of my good vibes — I was magical and twinkling. I didn’t know what this feeling was or how to call it at the time — but it felt good.

Life jolts though and eventually I was thrown from my euphoria. Life became turbulent and scary; I found myself isolated and abused. I didn’t have words for this experience but I was terrified and my perception was skewed. Perhaps someone saw my twinkle and wanted it for their own survival? I didn’t know about gratitude then and I didn’t know about prayer but I did voice and stay true to my value. Soon I got back to where I could breathe.

Over the years, I was able to get back on track and eventually found myself sipping tea each day, creating music and dancing… I was brought back into flow by a teacher who, no longer in the physical realm, was able to teach me to pray and, in that time, another person come forward to teach me about gratitude. The two went hand in hand.

Back on track.

Sometimes you leave chaos, but it never really goes away and soon, with all the little earth quakes preceding it, a large 8-on-the-richter scale jolted me again. Like a gaping breath inward to hold underwater, I was being pulled under. In times of survival, nothing really matters but getting through. Life just goes into a deep focus — focus, meditate, pray, fight hard, keep moving forward, surround ourselves in good people, follow the Guidance, Trust and just get through… We will always get through.

Life is never the same after trauma or a traumatic event. I understand the patterns now and can quickly get myself back on track; at some point my head comes up and I realize I made it. I am safe… A celebration, relief and then, after such an intense time of focus, I get to begin the rebuild… Savouring the freedom, an Expansion always occurs and a reintegration to life. It is soon after this point when I get a little lazy. I just flop. I find myself being pulled back into stagnant, lifeless colonial energy (being caucasian, I can roll with the whitey’s and take a break — but never without a cost to my Spirit)…

Now, I have gotten lazy again. I don’t have the free-spirited life I had before, nor do I have a teacher now or healthy, safe ceremonies and traditions to Guide me. A friendly nudge has led me back to gratitude and more specifically, the how — I begin with what I know. I open up and let it flow changing my language and simply laying at night listing all the things I am thankful for. While the words come out, I don’t feel it right now but. In a very short period of time, however, I notice my perspective change as well as gentle shifts and synchronicities occuring. A twinkle returns to the sleeping parts of my life.

Hello, Gratitude. It is nice to see you again.

* * *

And, just for fun, here is what my gratitude looks like these days:

“Thank you for my house, thank you for my awesome friends, thank you for my car… I am so, so grateful for skiing and our awesome outdoor playground that is the trails, oceans, rivers and mountains — and pitch and putt. I am grateful for play, for our health and all the amazing adventures we had this summer.”

Thank you for my amazing work, for all the people who come to me for healing work, for my skills and gifts.

I love my email newsletter. I get to write, I get to design. I love the engagement! When people respond, text or tell me next time they liked my posts; the love is so awesome. I appreciate that people want to support me! I enjoy knowing that they do this for others too… It is filling to know there is a network of encouragement going on out there… I love the reciprocity.”

I love my Reiki table and studio space. I am so fortunate to live where there is such good radio. I love Vancouver Co-op radio, CBC Radio and ICI Musique; The Drive on CBC, The Debaters on Friday’s, 90s music that plays every Sunday night. Oh my goodness, thank you to public libraries, The Simpson’s and Gunargie O’Sullivan. I am soooooo lucky.

I am happy I have my humour back and am grateful for the fun I have in store line ups and the opportunity to practice my group facilitation skills and comedy. I appreciate humour and finding my way through the rote. I am thankful for all the good parts of my life and all the good people who have crossed my path. I am thankful for being thankful… And goodnight.”