Eleven years ago my child was an infant, I was a newly solo parent and my world was bright and clear. I had reached my goals and the future was whatever I wanted. I had a gift for writing great publications and everyone encouraged, “you have to write for a magazine!”
I remember in public school, I created a mini magazine for a school project. The ad on the back was for the Oh Henry bar — “when you’re this big, they call you mister.” (That was the early nineties…) I don’t know what my grade was, but I really connected with that magazine.
Years later, in my college ECE program, I had to create a poster on carseat safety. While the teacher described the project, the poster showed itself to me. Taking in the vision, I knew all I had to do was bring it into the physical realm. The physical version turned out somewhat lifeless… Wrong medium. I don’t know what the grade was but that vision filled me.
Even later, for an assignment in my graphic design program, I created a newspaper ad for Threadless. Again, the vision came to me and I pulled it off to the best of my solo parent, impoverished and too-much-abuse-going-on-in-my-personal life ability. There was lot of life to this project and I was inspired with how it was going. I intuitively knew that mine stood out so when the instructor came to mine, his eyes lit up and he sat up in his chair, “Woah…Wow!” An exclamation and vibrancy shot across his face. I didn’t complete the project and don’t remember how the critique went but that reaction filled me.
Years ago, I left my permanent job and went down to casual work. Leading up to that last day I was downloaded with a magazine I am to create. It is a Langley Lifestyle/Arts and Culture magazine. I really dove into this… I brainstormed my thoughts, laid out my plans, researched what my favorite mountain life magazines were up to and learned that a lot of my thoughts were inline. I dug into the process, terminology, elements, created an organization system for the magazine on my computer, got a domain name and wasted my time on server stuff; I created a flat plan (I do all my initial work offline and away from computers, this literally was rectangles of paper taped on my wall). I was led on an adventure (literally) in finding a specific publication from back home that led me to reconnecting with more parts of me. I dug up notes from the publication design course I had taken years ago, revisited my student work and refreshed myself on everything I had been taught in regards to publication design. I lined up two people/families to interview and then… Life interrupted… Full stop… I was defeated. Years later, and in this present moment, I realize there were just some more things I needed to take care of before I could truly get into creative work. All of this legwork, though, filled me.
Now, leading into this weekend, I knew there would be a lot of writing. I could feel it. Sure enough, I was brought back to the blog I had started eleven years ago. This blog has life and I managed it for many years. While I was jolted off course, it stayed present and in this moment. Seeing the stats accumulated over time has made my eyes bulge and jaw drop. I started this blog for income and this weekend, I see the abundance that is me. Never abandoned or forgotten about, this blog has always been there. It held space as I went through what I went through it is ready for me to pick it back up. This feeling of abundance and maintaining this blog fills me and those around me.
So here I am this morning. I see now that what I thought were failures weren’t failures at all. I am in another time space. I am eleven years ago, my world is bright and clear. I am filled. The magazine has come back to me. I have come back to the blog. Every good idea is still in me. The piles of hard work I put in is still here — ready to go.
My dreams revisited… Like an old friend always there with their door still open.